The Infinite Wandering

December 9, 2012 § Leave a comment

The mind is a crazy thing. The way it stretches truths and builds expectations from nothing. The way you can fashion memories that haven’t happened and create images of a life you think you may want, but you’ve never lived it to truly tell the difference. The way you can create cracks in the foundations of the strongest relationships you’ve known. Out of deeper personal insecurities and a feckless mind capable of wandering just about anywhere, you can step out of bounds of what you really know, what you’ve actually experienced, what is really in front of you.

And I guess the issue is, and the reason you can never stop wondering about the unknown, you can never know what is really in front of you. It’s all a leap of faith, a fragile trust in a future that is so completely uncertain.

It is a trust in the path you’ve chosen for yourself, in the idea that the realization of your dreams is attainable. A trust in the people to whom you’ve given your heart, that they will care for it gently, thoughtfully, and wisely.

And for the cautious mind, when life is good, when things are falling in place, the self can wander to darker places to prepare for darker times. If this dream doesn’t pan out. If you lose a family member. If he isn’t as perfect as he seems. And on and on with the self doubt and the questioning and the vulnerability. It’s maddening.

For me, before this nonsense boils over, before I act upon odd sensations of insecurity, a sensible part of me is normally able to pull myself back into what I know — what is really in front of me. And I tell myself to stop wondering about all the bad that may happen. I tell myself to stop fearing the unfounded.

I’ve always been a thinking person whose mind travels far beyond the finite experiences I’ve had. When I come to that realization, each time I feel insecure, I remember that trust. I remember that I can only live my life with the facts I have before me. If I turn out to be mistaken, or if my path swerves in some unexpected way, I will make do.

I will somehow, despite myself, make do.

 

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