February 28, 2011 § 4 Comments
Every now and then, I like to read my past journal entries and blog posts. Most recently, I took a peek at my mind as it was in February 2010. I love to do this, and I’d encourage anyone to keep a journal. It’s an amazing thing to look back at a version of yourself — your emotions, opinions, ideas from one moment in time, captured for all time.
Today, I almost forgot what it was to feel like I did last February. I was in a fog. I couldn’t see forward or backward. I felt I lacked direction, purpose, meaning. By then, I’d already applied to Columbia’s Postbacc Premed Program, and was anxiously awaiting their response. I worked robotically through the days. Writing what I was told to write. Speaking in the voice of someone else.
Then, the response came in March. It said, “Get set, go,” and I’ve been moving at the speed of light ever since — almost without a moment to think about what life is now, and what life was then. I won’t lie. The premed lifestyle has been crippling. It has taken over my entire life. It dictates whom I see and when I see them, what I do and when I do them. And despite the long hours, the insane pressure to be perfect, the never-ending workload, I’ve never felt so energized. I’ve never felt so motivated. I’ve never felt more alive and capable.
I miss parts of my old life. Going home at 7 PM and turning my mind off. Meeting my best friends for yoga or dinner or a random weeknight bender. I miss money. I miss office parties and weeknight dodge ball. I miss art shows, concerts, Sunday brunches, and reading literature. I miss Saturday mornings in Takafumi’s arms, and Sunday nights with my mom. I miss having the option of taking on knitting as a hobby, and I miss having no reason to not do the things I like to do. In short, I miss freedom. I do. Just not enough.
Not enough to give up what I know I can become, what I can give, what I can do with my hands and my mind. And I know it’s going to be hard. I accept the challenge, and I will continue to accept every future challenge. It’s not the easy route, and it will take a lot of sacrifice, diligence, persistence, and a shitload of post-exam beers.
I signed up for this. As a dear friend said, “This is the life.”
So, get set, go. Every day, move.
February 20, 2011 § Leave a comment
There are so many reasons to sign Planned Parenthood’s petition to Congress to reverse their bill to bar federal funding to Planned Parenthood. This organization has been a safe haven for both women and men from all walks of life, and has filled a major gap in meeting the crucial health care needs of our nation’s young people for almost a century. The House’s move to bar funding for birth control, cancer screenings, HIV testing is yet another piece of undeniable proof that the House is out of touch with the needs of our generation. These actions will have a pervasive impact on our communities for many, many years, and I am disgusted that the House has betrayed the many individuals who rely on Planned Parenthood to live a more healthy life — all because many of our leaders cannot separate from base ideologies that obviously do not reflect any concern for or knowledge of the real needs of their people.
Please sign the petition.
February 20, 2011 § Leave a comment
Today, I came across a picture of my mother’s roses. These were picked last year, probably around June. Mama has always been a green thumb, and I’ve tried my best to keep 3 plants alive for the past 6 months. Happy to report that I’ve yet to kill them. Maybe, this Spring, I’ll consider upgrading to some flowering plants to bring a little more color into my and Takafumi’s apartment. Maybe.
February 16, 2011 § Leave a comment
Right now, I feel so blessed to have you in my life. When I lose my footing, when the walls seem to cave, when everything is a little out of place, you steady me.
Almost effortlessly, you rescue me.
February 13, 2011 § Leave a comment
I haven’t been writing. I get sad when I think about that, but I’m tired of regret. I complain so often about not having the time to tend to all that inspires me. And, now, I have grown tired of the complaining, the “I’ll get to it tomorrows,” the incessant wanting and never getting.
If you want things, you must work. Every little bit of work will push you forward somewhere, anywhere. That’s the way I’ve been living my pre-doctor life on this unbelievably intense pre-doctor route. I’ve been so good at focusing on my career, and I want to somehow use that same motivation to keep the other parts of me alive. It’s important to me that, when I come out of the other side of this long road — after the postbacc program, medical school, residency — that I can still recognize myself and all that has mattered to me over the years.