the balancing act.

September 2, 2010 § Leave a comment

I want it all.

Every day, I wonder if having it all is possible, and I beat myself down whenever I realize that I’m not even close to doing it all. My list of wants, needs, dreams, interests is overwhelming.

I’m not taking enough photos. I haven’t painted in almost a year. I’ve ignored my journal for a week. I’ve only posted on my blog a few times this summer. I’m not volunteering when I should be. I don’t know HTML well enough to build the website I need and want. I’ve yet to send thank you notes to the donors of the Bataan Foundation. I haven’t framed anything in my apartment. I don’t have a dresser or a table. I don’t photoshop. My alcohol tolerance is pitiful these days. I don’t know how to cook yet. I don’t see my friends enough. I haven’t finished a real book in 2 months. I need to visit my mother more often. I haven’t started studying for school. My Google Reader is overflowing. I don’t know enough about the pullout in Iraq. What’s going on with education in the U.S. these days? I need to do yoga every day.

It’s enough to stop me from sleeping.

Sitting here now, sleepless, dry-eyed, and anxious, I wonder if I’ll ever find the time to stay on top of everything. Motivated by my anxiety, I’m ready to pull out an easel and some charcoal right this second, and draw something out of a Renoir sketchbook. I’m amped enough to write that novel already, to frame all the pictures I have flagged in my iPhoto, to cook a 3-star Michelin meal, to perform life-saving surgery on a child with cancer.

I could be great at any of those things. With focus, persistence, and commitment, I could be great.  I know I’ll achieve some, maybe even a lot, but will I ever reach the highest level of greatness at any one thing, if I don’t stop dabbling at a little bit of everything?

It’s still a battle to be enough to myself. A fruitless one. I know I won’t be satisfied unless I try to master this balancing act.

So, as a promise to myself, I won’t ever stop trying.

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