September 17, 2010 § Leave a comment
I’m worse with you.
I need to quit you. I am a student again; this time, I am past the age of feckless behavior. I have loans, rent, bills to pay. I cannot afford every suggestion you throw my way. Yes, I may also like the Canon L series lenses, and thank you for giving me the option consider a similar version of the rain boots I just ordered on your website. You know, that tripod would go perfectly with the remote shutter I just bought.
You’re evil. Your homepage is scrawling with the likes and wants of a vagabond me, after midnight, sifting through your pages of merchandise, leaving behind a blueprint with which you will taunt me during my next visit.
I should resist.
Damn the allure of two-day shipping. Your features make it seem like I’m using my time more efficiently by avoiding a trip to the store. Instead of trekking 30 minutes on the subway to the nearest container store, I can order a 40-piece jewelry organizer from my desk and continue to solve the chemistry equations that stand before me and medical school.
Really, I am irresponsible with you. I am lazy with you. I rationalize with you. I spend more with you. I waste more with you. Think of the fuel used to ship you to my door. All the packing material now going to waste in a landfill close to my hometown.
Oy, Amazon Prime, I need to quit you…
September 14, 2010 § Leave a comment
“Solving problems of any kind, whether physics or social, requires practice.”
Tell it like it is, physics textbook. Tell it like it is.
September 6, 2010 § Leave a comment
After maybe one of the best New York Sundays I’ve had in a while, I am completely in love with where I am in my life.
Just a moment ago, I was entering the address of Amazon.com’s website, and I literally typed, “www.amazing.com.” It’s disgustingly cute how motivated and able I feel. In all honesty, I’m grossing myself out with my seemingly endless fount of good feelings.
See, life is all about what I can do today, and it turns out that there’s lots I can actually do. And I’m just feeling thankful — thankful I came to this realization that I am beyond capable in the shoes I wear today. I can only hope that you’ll somehow be able to experience this very feeling. It’s liberating to know how you can work toward your tomorrows in this same day, one hour at a time, one deed at a time.
It’s true when they say that you can’t build an empire in just one day. But perhaps you can in a year. To achieve that, you’ve got to work a little bit every day — maybe even do a lot if you have the time and opportunity. But you’ve got to know that it’s okay to set a few practical goals each day. Don’t feel lesser than you are because you didn’t cure cancer today.
Your ideas are the empire. Your work in the everyday will help you realize that empire. Practical goals, do them. Do them every day.
It will feel so good, and you will actually get closer to wherever you want to be. I’ve got a lot that I want to do in my life, and I drown in to-do lists. But, little by little, I’m going to clear those bullet points out, so that I can move forward in filling my days with whatever it is that enriches my life.
Today’s important thing to care about was my apartment, and I went after it. A day of sifting through lanterns and incense with Alysha, and a night of building furniture in solitude — that’s all I needed. Now, I’m high on this feeling of exhaustion and pure accomplishment. And I’m ten steps closer to creating a real home for myself and Takafumi.
Little by little, I am creating my empire.
September 3, 2010 § Leave a comment
I created a new category for my posts, and it’s called “i care about action.”
My last post was inspired by an after hours meltdown, and although it’s around the same time of early morning, I am much more composed right now. And it’s not that I’ve lost the momentum that charged my senses yesterday; it’s just that I’m seeing the balancing act from a clearer perspective today.
I know this about myself. I can’t limit myself. That’s why this blog is an all-inclusive look into whatever is inspiring, bothering, exciting me at the moment. I can’t choose. I can’t narrow. I can’t give anything up.
For better or worse, I am unwilling and unable to set boundaries for myself. When I love something or want something, there’s little that can be done to stop me from going after it. Now, don’t get me wrong — moral boundaries are obviously the exception. (For example, if I think your boyfriend is attractive and interesting, I’m not going to go after him.) But when it comes to my passions, I can’t just stop.
That’s when time becomes the issue. I don’t know when I can possibly accomplish everything, but I do know this — I need to try. If I keep freaking out about when I’m going to do everything, I won’t actually do anything. That’s the funny thing about anxiety and the fear of not being or doing enough. It has this crazy way of paralyzing you. Ultimately, you end up thinking way more than doing.
I think that’s also why, in the workplace, everyone hates the person who criticizes every new idea and finds fault in every single little thing. They harp on only the negative, the bad outcomes, the what ifs. Reminds me of my thinking last night: What if I never reach greatness in any one thing if I keep on dabbling on a ton of things? What if I never achieve this or that? Instead of developing a plan of action, this person remains in the dark, without a hope, stagnant and unsatisfied.
I don’t want to be that person. I don’t want to fear and worry and criticize. I want to be the champion of my own life. I want to call the shots, and find the time and energy to draw in charcoal, to study physics, to volunteer at a hospital, to develop film and frame the product, to sit and learn something new about my mother.
So, I don’t only care about ambition and about dreaming big. I care about finishing what I set out to do. I care about action.
September 2, 2010 § Leave a comment
I want it all.
Every day, I wonder if having it all is possible, and I beat myself down whenever I realize that I’m not even close to doing it all. My list of wants, needs, dreams, interests is overwhelming.
I’m not taking enough photos. I haven’t painted in almost a year. I’ve ignored my journal for a week. I’ve only posted on my blog a few times this summer. I’m not volunteering when I should be. I don’t know HTML well enough to build the website I need and want. I’ve yet to send thank you notes to the donors of the Bataan Foundation. I haven’t framed anything in my apartment. I don’t have a dresser or a table. I don’t photoshop. My alcohol tolerance is pitiful these days. I don’t know how to cook yet. I don’t see my friends enough. I haven’t finished a real book in 2 months. I need to visit my mother more often. I haven’t started studying for school. My Google Reader is overflowing. I don’t know enough about the pullout in Iraq. What’s going on with education in the U.S. these days? I need to do yoga every day.
It’s enough to stop me from sleeping.
Sitting here now, sleepless, dry-eyed, and anxious, I wonder if I’ll ever find the time to stay on top of everything. Motivated by my anxiety, I’m ready to pull out an easel and some charcoal right this second, and draw something out of a Renoir sketchbook. I’m amped enough to write that novel already, to frame all the pictures I have flagged in my iPhoto, to cook a 3-star Michelin meal, to perform life-saving surgery on a child with cancer.
I could be great at any of those things. With focus, persistence, and commitment, I could be great. I know I’ll achieve some, maybe even a lot, but will I ever reach the highest level of greatness at any one thing, if I don’t stop dabbling at a little bit of everything?
It’s still a battle to be enough to myself. A fruitless one. I know I won’t be satisfied unless I try to master this balancing act.
So, as a promise to myself, I won’t ever stop trying.