March 14, 2010 § Leave a comment

There is nothing great about limbo.

I am in between worlds right now, struggling to get out of one and into another, and I can’t seem to find a place for myself to rest peacefully in purgatory.  So, I do all that I can do: wait.

I know a lot of you know what this feels like.  So many of us are in a dynamic time of our lives.  A time when we question where we are and a time when we forge paths for our tomorrows.  But once we do all we can to prepare the road for walking, we’ve got to wait until we hear that fateful decision. On a piece of paper. In the mail. Which is slow.

It’s enough to go insane.  Thankfully, I’ve been spending most of this month away from home because my mother is in the Philippines.  While I miss my mother terribly, it’s worked out pretty well.  Staying in New York all month has forced me to keep busy and to stay away from constantly checking my mailbox for answers, for relief, for the green light on all the plans I’ve thought up.

Until then, this waiting period seems so stagnant, and I loathe that feeling.  It’s as if I’m at the edge of a precipice, and I’ve got my parachute ready to go.  I’m basically leaning over the cliff, ready to fly, but I’ve got a cord stuck on something behind me. Well, that’s exactly it I guess.  I’m stuck on something that I’ve already moved beyond, and I’m just waiting for the right time to press forward and free myself.

All the while, the complacency feels like betrayal to me. It feels wrong. It feels dirty.  It’s like walking through mud or seeing with dirty eyeglasses. It’s like stifling heat.  It’s uncomfortable for me, but I just have to wait out the pain.  Do the best that I can in purgatory.  And work hard to make myself worthy of leaving it.

Because change is coming.


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